The Hardest Break Up Ever

"Coz baby now we got bad blood” sang Taylor Swift when there was a fallout between her and good friend Katy Perry. They have since made up, don’t worry. But many of us experience a rift in our friendships but often times dismiss it as nothing when in actuality it hurts worse than a romantic breakup. Team Courage’s Jessica shares some key notes to keep in mind when you feel a friendship coming to its end. "

by Jessica Ann

I bet when you read the title, you probably pictured a broken romantic relationship, right?

This article, however, will be focused on platonic relationships - friendships.

At some point in our lives, we all have a close circle of friends.

It may be one, two or a few who stay close to our hearts. People we see as family - a sister or brother from another mother, someone we would call on when we needed a partner-in-crime or when we are faced with a difficult day.

That group of friends who we can count on to come over to cheer us up with ice cream or a bottle of wine in hand, all ready to hear us out and plan a mortal combat to take down whomever or whatever it is that made our day bad.

After going through ups and downs of life together, there comes a moment that may separate us from our friends as we seek separate paths.

There could be many reasons involved in this separation - one may have outgrown the other, relocation, a change of lifestyle, or most often a simple misunderstanding that was never resolved.

Even though the pain of losing a friend, and losing the part of yourself that you grew used to having reflected back through that friend, is something we all go through, we have no significant recognition of that loss culturally.

Why is that?

"Why do we universally understand romantic heartbreak to be akin to an actual physical wound, but the heartbreak that comes with platonic loss is swept under the rug, almost entirely disregarded?"

I do not propose I have the answers to these questions, I just feel that I am not the only one who wonders about them.

Breaking up with a best friend can feel worse than splitting up with a romantic partner—at least after a tryst ends, you’ve got your confidante a.k.a. friend, to turn to.

"While everyone acknowledges the trauma of romantic breakups, people do not really talk about the fallout of a platonic separation. Your brain does not know the difference between a romantic or platonic relationship, a breakup is a breakup."

Where there was intimacy and trust, there now isn’t. It takes time to deal with the devastation of losing someone you always thought you would have by your side.

Surviving a best friend breakup is not easy, but here’s how to start the process.

Life eventually moves on, so you have to start somewhere.

1. Acknowledge what happened and allow yourself time to grieve.

Take time to reflect on what this shift means to you and sit with the discomfort of sadness. When we do not grieve the relational losses we have endured, it may take us longer to move on.

2. Know that not all friendships are meant to be forever.

We use the phrase “best friends forever” because, in the best of times, we expect that person to always be around. But the reality is, we are attracted to and connect with people during a certain phase in our lives. If we are doing our best to live consciously and to grow, we must recognise that it means we might not always grow alongside someone or in the same direction as someone.

3. Accept that there is no such thing as "getting over it" or "moving on."

When a relationship ends, it is understandable to shove those emotions for that person in a box and never let them bother you again. But, while it is not nearly as recognised as death, divorce, and diagnosis, the loss of a dear friend is very painful and leaves a hole in your life that can never be filled in the same way. There will be moments going forward (like weddings, anniversaries and hard times) where you will probably miss having that friend to lean on, and that is perfectly normal. The idea of “moving on” does not mean erasing this person’s memory from your life.

4. Don’t forget the good parts.

When a friendship ends, you might look back and question the entire relationship, wondering where you went wrong. We replay time and time again what transpired and how we would do things differently, when we should be focusing on how that relationship fulfilled us while it lasted, and what we learned from it. By simply shifting the way that we look at the breakup, it becomes easier to move on from a place of gratitude.

5. Set boundaries for yourself.

This is a kind of self-care, and may be as simple as unfollowing your former friend on Instagram or blocking them on Facebook so you are not still getting a window into their life. Take an inventory of all of the ways and places they are bound to pop up and figure out where you need to step back or disconnect to keep your boundaries and heart safe. These boundaries can change over time as things feel less raw, but there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from triggers that will disrupt the progress you are trying to make in moving on.

6. Appreciate the support system you still have.

You are going through something hard, and the kick-in-the-face aspect of it is that you do not even have your best friend to discuss it with. That does not mean you do not have support. Relationships are just as unique as people are, and one friendship cannot be swapped for another. That being said, there are people in your life (your spouse, your family, your coworkers) that might be able to bolster you and support you in navigating this new life without your friend. But you must reach out to them and let them know you need them.

by Jessica Ann

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