Facelift for Dads: 10 Fail-Proof Techniques in a Post-Pandemic Era

"Many people think that by just having a child automatically makes you a parent. How misled that notion is. In this article, Samuel James writes about putting in effort to always be a good parent - specifically a father. He highlights the type of mindset a father should have in 10 points. Remember, you are most likely your child’s hero and they see everything!"

by Samuel James Sivanathan

Finish what you started – if you are married and have kids, stay married and continue the difficult but great work of being a father. It starts with love and sacrifice. But check your ‘love’ tank. Has it gone empty? Or is it full but ‘frozen’? Where is the ‘leak’ or which ‘seasonal freezer’ are you stuck in? Lethargy and hopelessness are the biggest enemies to fatherhood. Fight it by resting and reflecting (really? Yes!).

Affirmative words & actions – As we grow older (and grumpier), it is an imperative view to have in speaking more of the positive and cutting down the negative. It is good to criticise but not to condemn. Condemn the crime, not the criminal, condemn the sin, not the sinner.

But if all we do as fathers is criticise and condemn, then there goes a generational pattern that was first passed down from our fathers to us, and would be then from us to our sons and daughters. What a pity for the upcoming generation and the generations after!

"It is good to criticise but not to condemn. Condemn the crime, not the criminal, condemn the sin, not the sinner."

Temper is to be avoided at all cost – much to the opposition of popular belief that temper reflects a commanding manhood, strength and bravery…it doesn’t. It is a myth that reflects poor defense of what is worthless in the eyes of the observer. Children (and others) will question the necessity of temper - “In this day and age? Couldn’t we just go with the creative method of communication?” It’s perfectly alright to get angry but it’s not to be constantly angry.

Heroism is dead, otherwise kill it – the ‘little boy’ in us needs to go. Stop being the smart one, the strong one, the invincible one, the impressive one and the list goes on. Be….A DAD. Be a provider for both the physical and emotional needs. Provide also for the moral needs (and I wish to add the most crucial one - spiritual needs). There needs to be a sense of urgency in providing these. Be cautious not to receive these on the reverse. Remember... you are the Parent! The tea cup does not supply tea to the teapot, it’s the other way around.

Explore the ‘new’ together – you don’t have to have a lineage of all paleontologists to explore dinosaurs, but the local museums and planetariums are actually great places to start with. Learn together, re-learn together and un-learn together. Unteachable and arrogant fathers do not have a positive impact on their children, especially sons. In fact, they start to breed another generation of unteachable and arrogant men who become fathers. Emotional honesty and humility are key to learning and growing as fathers.

Reprimand to build - never correct a child, one, for ‘correction sake’ due to the Asian peer pressure and two, to seek ‘justice’ for committing an offense. Teach consequences for bad behavior. I am not discounting the cane but it is not the very first option. Deal with bad behavior systematically and if you don’t – you are simply a lazy parent (and laziness has everything to do with stewardship).

Hope giving is not an option – it is a pertinent attribute all Fathers must have. The biggest problem among our young people is not substance abuse or depression but the ‘voices’ that lead them to those places. The voice of hopelessness, of discouragement and of dissatisfaction. The ‘Father’s Voice’ is the game changer in our societies. We need to stop giving this poor excuse of ‘my son or daughter does not listen to me’. As children get older, it is not about ‘listening’ and ‘obeying immediately’ but rather ‘hearing the parents’. In most cases, our kids don’t hear us as our conversations with them lack hope. We can’t fake hope by over-promising but we can give hope by being the ‘safe place’ for our children.

"The biggest problem among our young people is not substance abuse or depression but the ‘voices’ that lead them to those places. "

Opening up is never a weakness – depending on the age appropriateness, a 21st century child should have a certain degree of access to his or her father’s dark past. “How will this positively influence my child (especially a grown individual)?” If your dark past is something you regret and are not proud of, then it’s most likely a yes to good influence. Speak about the pain of that past. A good friend of mine had built a stronger and more open relationship with his father after his father confessed to a well-known extra marital affair in the past. The tipping point was when his father acknowledged that this affair, which looked like a quick-fix pleasure scheme in the beginning, had soon resulted in indescribable pain in the end, to himself and the family he loves.

Overarching vision casting – now that you have at least six techniques in mind, let us look at an essential one - the mother of all techniques, or should I say the ‘father’ of all techniques. You may be wondering why this was not first in order. Simple, we cannot cast vision when we are not maturing. Therefore, ‘maturity’ should always be a fatherhood goal for the rest of our days as maturity brings in the needed wisdom and stability. What is your overarching vision as the head of the family? My own father, despite all his issues and lacks, had the vision of seeing me and my two siblings start life with tertiary qualification. Did we as his children fulfill the vision he had for us? Yes, and that is because of my father’s overarching vision, which was also his prayer and hope. My own overarching vision for my family is this – that all my four kids will be able to serve the community through sacrificially giving themselves up for church or para-church related work in the future. It’s not about being religious or spiritual but more about stewarding what the Creator has put into their hearts.

Deliver what you promised – fatherhood starts when you said yes to your children’s mother for the first time as both of you promised each other in matrimony. I do care if you are a divorcee or widower due to unavoidable circumstances or painful incidences. But this article is still meant for you. It is, again, the idea of facelifting our fathers. I wish to quote my own father again and this time from an unpleasant memory. As a Malaysian schoolkid, I performed badly, academically, in Standard 1 - failing or poor in most subjects. My father said that he will get me an organ – a musical instrument - that I was so in love with but with the criteria of me achieving the top position in class. So, I worked very hard and shockingly, I did become the top student in my Standard 2 class. By that time, in the 1980s, the price for an organ was already hitting RM 10,000. The organ never came and 10 years later, I was given a nice-looking keyboard, by which time I had already lost interest in key-related instruments. I’m sharing this not to undermine my father’s credibility, as I do love him very much. My clear motive is to let you know that children do expect the unexpected and will not stop dreaming if their folks are already intentional and have already verbalised the same. Never over-promise and under-deliver. Let your yes, be yes and no, be no.

by Samuel James Sivanathan

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